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I am not evil

I am not evil

Despite what I might have done in past, I assure you I’m not an evil man. An evil man would enjoy doing these things. I don’t . It was just something that my sensibilities demand.

My driving belief is in respect. Respecting yourself and others is critical. I will respect you until you do something to lose it, at which point I will just walk away. I will never darken your doorway again. I think everyone has a duty to be as good as they can possibly be. Sure, some will achieve more than others, but so long as you try your best I will respect you. One word of caution; disrespect me and you’d better duck.

Next to respect, what I value most is loyalty and trust. I will never lie or be devious to those that have my respect. I am loyal to a fault, again to those that deserve it. Note the careful wording. If you lose my trust, then loyalty and respect are also off the table.

I have a strong belief in justice. Good things should happen to good people and bad things to bad people. I’m also old-fashioned. If you wrong me then you won’t have to worry about writs and court, but you’d better be very careful walking down any dark alleys. If I shake hands on a deal and it doesn’t happen, then check the death notices; my name will be there.

So, off you go.

So, off you go.

You went away.

Today I signed on a piece of paper that broke the link that I had with you. Perhaps it was already broken. The signature was the last ritual. I almost broke into tears as I put pen to the paper. But alas, I couldn’t. And I could see that you were happy. Happy to be promoted. Happy to succeed. Your ambition fuels you. If your ambitions are not fulfilled, you feel sense of loss.

And, yet you preach. You preach patience. You preach belief. You tell me to wait. Tell me honestly, could you?

I was disheartened. Totally. I can see the happiness. Did you feel bad even for a moment for me? Didnt you feel as if you are betraying me? And, the ignition. took the bait – Hook line and sinker.

Today you demonstrated your priorities- you love your recognition more than you do love me. Imagine if I had done the same. You’d be nowhere. I reestablished you in front of SPSJ. Does MKB knows that I did all the job you proudly showed him as yours ? Do you think BSP would have won vayoshrestha without me ?

Sorry to puncture holes in your deflated ego, but you will learn one day that nothing works like grace. You know, often our actions results into reactions that are borne by our kids.

You says one’s locus should be internal. Hell. Is it yours? Yours is fully external. You are like a social butterfly who is enthralled at attention, who revels in it and fails to acknowledge her real source of strength.

May the almighty give sadbuddhi to you. May it fuel your ambition into a raging fire which consumes all that you love and hold sacred.

Good bye dear girl. It was good while it lasted.

Glutton for Punishment

Glutton for Punishment

I have always loved you. Loved you with deepest of feelings, without any expectations. So much so, that I haven’t even burdened you with that knowledge. And you’ve always pushed back. Always retaliated. And why? Because of reasons that cannot be ascribed to me.

I have always born your reactions thinking that it’s your pain that’s coming to forth, but it was never like that. Your reaction was also a cold manipulation that I couldn’t understand at that time. Slowly, but surely you are revealing yourself. Maybe, I am not good for you, but you are worse. You have tried to kill my inner spirit with rejection and denial. I’d have loved if you would have come out in open and aired your feelings. No, you always shroud your rejection in some mystery. Alas, there is none, except the fact that you enjoy delivering pain and I am an idiot who is the glutton for punishment.

Today, I become conscious of this fact. Today I am trying to educate my heart and mind that you are not good for me. Not at all. Since I have acknowledged my love for you, you have taken it for granted. No more. No more will I allow self-abuse. No more will I allow you to insult me. I will only deal professionally with you. I can’t and don’t want to avoid you. I just want to make my life easier and less painful.

I will try to disassociate with you in subtle ways. I promise:

  1. I will no longer come to you and sit with you without any purpose
  2. I will no longer try to analyse you for your own development
  3. I will not talk about your person
  4. I will not check for your texts and messages in the middle of night.

I know, it will be difficult. But I need to break these chains.

Letting Go

Letting Go

Major encounters in life and major disasters in life come unannounced. Like a thunderbolt. They shake the very foundation you have build upon. They will question everything that you had carefully crafted, created and collected. They will destroy every idea, ideology, thought you held dear. You feel like floating on a wooden board over an endless choppy sea, smashed by storms of unpredictable tomorrows. You will have no ground under your feet. No land in sight.
At this very moment epiphany happens. You realise the futility of your struggles. The relentless fight against the current. Simple acceptance dawns on you. Not a reluctant giving up but a wilful letting go. And you simply relax into the flow of life. Gently flowing with the flow. Realising suddenly the sheer madness of holding on. And sheer magic of letting go.

(Courtesy Urvashi Goja)


Cause and Effect

Cause and Effect

In the endless chain of cause and effect – called life, it is difficult to understand what is the cause and what is the effect. While searching for solutions to our problems, we are often caught in this quagmire of cause and effect with no visible or ready solutions. Good Intentions don’t count. The process doesn’t matter. The outcome is also irrelevant. Is it inner blindness which doesn’t allow you to see the solution, (or the problem in the first place?) or is it unwillingness to see the solution. Years of reading and experience doesn’t prepare you for the moment in which all that is required. Your innards are broken, the trust destroyed in a minute and all you are left with is a life which you don’t want or desire.


Every Deed

Every Deed

Every deed, whether good or bad, produces it’s natural effect and involved embodiment in world and is obstacle to liberation. Every deed confirms egoism and separateness of doer, and sets in motion new series of effects.

Gahan karmano gatih. It’s not possible to abstain from work or action. Nature is ever at work and we are deluded if we think that process can be held up. Nor is cessation from action desirable. Inertia is not freedom. The binding quality of action does not lies in the action itself, but in the motive or desire that prompts it. Renunciation refers, not to act itself but to the frame of mind behind the act. Renunciation means absence of desire.

The Tao that can be told is not the absolute Tao

The Tao that can be told is not the absolute Tao

For ninety years Lao Tzu lived – in fact he did nothing except live. He lived totally. Many times his disciples asked him to write, he would not write anything. Then what were the disciples doing with him? They were only being with him. They lived with him, they moved with him, they simply imbibed his being. Being near him they tried to be open to him; being near him they tried not to think about anything; being near him they became more and more silent. In that silence he would reach them.

For ninety years he refused to write anything or to say anything. This was his basic attitude: that truth cannot be taught. The moment you say something about truth, it is no more true: the very saying falsifies it. You cannot teach it. At the most you can indicate it, and that indication should be your very being, your whole life; it cannot be indicated by words. He was against words; he was against language.

Lao Tzu lived in silence. He always avoided talking about the truth that he had attained and he always rejected the idea that he should write it down for the generations to come. At the age of ninety he took leave of his disciples. He said goodbye to them, and he said, ”Now I am moving towards the hills, towards the Himalayas. I am going there to get ready to die. It is good to live with people, it is good to be in the world while you are living, but when one is getting nearer to death it is good to move into total aloneness, so that you move towards the original source in your absolute purity and loneliness, uncontaminated by the world.”

The disciples felt very, very sad, but what could they do? They followed him for a few hundred miles, but by and by Lao Tzu persuaded them to go back. Then alone he was crossing the border, and the guard on the border imprisoned him. The guard was also a disciple. And the guard said: ”Unless you write a book, I am not going to allow you to move beyond the border. This much you must do for humanity. Write a book. That is the debt you have to pay, otherwise I won’t allow you to cross.” So for three days Lao Tzu was imprisoned by his own disciple.

It is beautiful. It is very loving. He was forced – and that’s how this small book, the book of Lao Tzu, TAO TE CHING, was born. He had to write it,  because the disciple wouldn’t allow him to cross. And he was the guard and he had the authority, he could create trouble, so Lao Tzu had to write the book. In three days he finished it. And, the first sentence of the book is:


THIS IS THE FIRST THING he has to say: that whatsoever can be said cannot be true. This is the introduction for the book. It simply makes you alert: now words will be following, don’t become a victim of the words. Remember the wordless. Remember that which cannot be communicated through language, through words. The Tao can be communicated, but it can only be communicated from being to being. It can be communicated when you are with the Master, just with the Master, doing nothing, not even practicing anything. Just being with the Master it can be communicated.

Why can’t the truth be said? What is the difficulty? The truth cannot be said for many reasons. The first and the most basic reason is: truth is always realized in silence. When your inner talk has stopped, then it is realized. And that which is realized in silence, how can you say it through sound? It is an experience. It is not a thought. If it was a thought it could be expressed, there would be no trouble in it.

But truth cannot be expressed because the very reaching to it is through silence, soundlessness, thoughtlessness. You reach to it through no-mind, the mind drops. And how can you use something which as a necessary condition has to drop before truth can be reached? Mind cannot understand, mind cannot realize, how can mind express? Remember it as a rule: if mind can attain, mind can express; if mind cannot attain to it, mind cannot express it. All language is futile. Truth cannot be expressed.

Then what have all the scriptures been doing? Then what is Lao Tzu doing? Then what are the Upanishads doing? They all try to say something which cannot be said in the hope that a desire may arise in you to know about it. Truth cannot be said but in the very effort of saying it a desire can arise in the hearer to know that which cannot be expressed. A thirst can be provoked. The thirst is there, it needs a little provocation.

For example, we can say something about light to a blind man knowing well that it is impossible to communicate anything about light because he has no experience of it. But something can be said about light – theories about light can be created. Even a blind man can become an expert about the theories of light; about the whole science of light he can become an expert – there is no problem in it – but he will not understand what light is. He will  nderstand what light consists of. He will understand the physics of light, the chemistry of light, he will understand the poetry of light, but he will not understand the facticity of light, what light is. The experience of light he will not understand. So all that is said to a blind man about light is only relative: it is something about light, not light itself. Light cannot be communicated.