Glutton for Punishment

Glutton for Punishment

I have always loved you. Loved you with deepest of feelings, without any expectations. So much so, that I haven’t even burdened you with that knowledge. And you’ve always pushed back. Always retaliated. And why? Because of reasons that cannot be ascribed to me.

I have always born your reactions thinking that it’s your pain that’s coming to forth, but it was never like that. Your reaction was also a cold manipulation that I couldn’t understand at that time. Slowly, but surely you are revealing yourself. Maybe, I am not good for you, but you are worse. You have tried to kill my inner spirit with rejection and denial. I’d have loved if you would have come out in open and aired your feelings. No, you always shroud your rejection in some mystery. Alas, there is none, except the fact that you enjoy delivering pain and I am an idiot who is the glutton for punishment.

Today, I become conscious of this fact. Today I am trying to educate my heart and mind that you are not good for me. Not at all. Since I have acknowledged my love for you, you have taken it for granted. No more. No more will I allow self-abuse. No more will I allow you to insult me. I will only deal professionally with you. I can’t and don’t want to avoid you. I just want to make my life easier and less painful.

I will try to disassociate with you in subtle ways. I promise:

  1. I will no longer come to you and sit with you without any purpose
  2. I will no longer try to analyse you for your own development
  3. I will not talk about your person
  4. I will not check for your texts and messages in the middle of night.

I know, it will be difficult. But I need to break these chains.

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